Återupplivar en klassisk tråd...
Det var en gång en bög som var på sin väns begravning. När vännen blivit kremerad frågade han prästen: får jag ta med mig urnan hem? öhhh ja sade prästen ska du strö ut det på nåt speciellt ställe? Nä sa bögen jag ska äta upp det... VA ÄTA UPP DET!?... Ja sa bögen... Jag vill känna honom genom
röven en sista gång.
Roliga historier
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, and Surfing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity.
Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Golf 7.5, and Surfing 3.6. I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
______________________________________
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.
You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 ! and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0 !
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
If We Aren't supposed to eat Humans, Then Why Are They Made of Meat?
Det var ett par som hade varit gifta i över 20 år och varje gång de hade sex insisterade mannen på att släcka lyset.
Efter 20 år började dock frun tycka att det kändes dumt att alltid mörkt i rummet så hon tyckte att det var dags att bryta ovanan hennes man hade dragit på sig. En natt när de var i full gång tände frun lampan och fick då se att mannen med en dildo i sin hand.
Frun blev rosenrasande och skrek: ”Din impotenta jävel, hur har du kunnat ljuga för mig i alla dessa år! Det är bäst för dig att du kommer med en bra förklaring!”
Mannen tittade henne djupt i ögonen och svarade lugnt: ”Jag kan förklara dildon om du kan förklara våra tre barn.”
Efter 20 år började dock frun tycka att det kändes dumt att alltid mörkt i rummet så hon tyckte att det var dags att bryta ovanan hennes man hade dragit på sig. En natt när de var i full gång tände frun lampan och fick då se att mannen med en dildo i sin hand.
Frun blev rosenrasande och skrek: ”Din impotenta jävel, hur har du kunnat ljuga för mig i alla dessa år! Det är bäst för dig att du kommer med en bra förklaring!”
Mannen tittade henne djupt i ögonen och svarade lugnt: ”Jag kan förklara dildon om du kan förklara våra tre barn.”
-
HomeBurneR
- Level 39
- Posts: 763
- Joined: 2003-03-12 20:58
- Location: Vivec, Foreign Quarters
- Contact:
Ojojoj, en historia som någon slängde ut på "anslagstavlan" på jobbet 
Den unge prästen var så nervös inför sin första nattvard så
han kunde inte
ens prata ordentligt. Inför sin andra nattvard söndagen
därpå berättade
den äldre ärkebiskopen hur man kunde göra för att slappna
av lite.
Han föreslog följande: Nästa gång, ta ett par droppar vodka
i ett vattenglas och drick det. Du kommer genast att märka
hur avslappnad du blir.
Söndagen därpå gjorde prästen som han hade blivit tillrådd
och kände
genast hur avslappnad han blev. Nattvarden flöt på fint och
han stammade inte alls.
Efter nattvarden hittade prästen ett brev från
Ärkebiskopen på sitt rum.
” Käre fader, nästa gång ska ni lägga ett par droppar vodka
i ett vattenglas, inte ett par droppar vatten i ett
vodkaglas.Jag tänkte berätta om några fel jag lade märke till,
så att de inte upprepas nästa söndag:
Den lilla skålen bredvid altaret är inte en
toalett.
Försök att undvika att luta er mot statyn som föreställer
jungfru Maria och speciellt att
krama henne och känna henne på brösten.
Budorden är 10, inte 12. Lärjungarna var däremot 12, inte
sju. Och ingen av dem var dvärg.
Vi hänvisar inte till vår herre Jesus Kristus som ”JC and the boys”.
Vi hänvisar inte heller till Judas som en ”jävla skvallertacka”.
Bin Laden hade ingenting med Jesu död att göra.
Syndarna hamnar i helvetet, inte i hästarslet. Fader vår
skall läsas mot himlen, inte genom att göra vågen.
Den typen som satt i hörnet på altaret som ni hänvisade
till som ”bögen” och ”mögelkäftad transvestit”, var jag.
Jag hoppas att dessa saker skall rättas till tills nästa nattvard.
Med vänliga hälsningar Ärkebiskopen”
Den unge prästen var så nervös inför sin första nattvard så
han kunde inte
ens prata ordentligt. Inför sin andra nattvard söndagen
därpå berättade
den äldre ärkebiskopen hur man kunde göra för att slappna
av lite.
Han föreslog följande: Nästa gång, ta ett par droppar vodka
i ett vattenglas och drick det. Du kommer genast att märka
hur avslappnad du blir.
Söndagen därpå gjorde prästen som han hade blivit tillrådd
och kände
genast hur avslappnad han blev. Nattvarden flöt på fint och
han stammade inte alls.
Efter nattvarden hittade prästen ett brev från
Ärkebiskopen på sitt rum.
” Käre fader, nästa gång ska ni lägga ett par droppar vodka
i ett vattenglas, inte ett par droppar vatten i ett
vodkaglas.Jag tänkte berätta om några fel jag lade märke till,
så att de inte upprepas nästa söndag:
Den lilla skålen bredvid altaret är inte en
toalett.
Försök att undvika att luta er mot statyn som föreställer
jungfru Maria och speciellt att
krama henne och känna henne på brösten.
Budorden är 10, inte 12. Lärjungarna var däremot 12, inte
sju. Och ingen av dem var dvärg.
Vi hänvisar inte till vår herre Jesus Kristus som ”JC and the boys”.
Vi hänvisar inte heller till Judas som en ”jävla skvallertacka”.
Bin Laden hade ingenting med Jesu död att göra.
Syndarna hamnar i helvetet, inte i hästarslet. Fader vår
skall läsas mot himlen, inte genom att göra vågen.
Den typen som satt i hörnet på altaret som ni hänvisade
till som ”bögen” och ”mögelkäftad transvestit”, var jag.
Jag hoppas att dessa saker skall rättas till tills nästa nattvard.
Med vänliga hälsningar Ärkebiskopen”
Det du inte minns, har aldrig hänt! Intressant läsning How much is 1000 dB?
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
-
HomeBurneR
- Level 39
- Posts: 763
- Joined: 2003-03-12 20:58
- Location: Vivec, Foreign Quarters
- Contact:
<span style='color:red'>Borttaget.</span>
Det du inte minns, har aldrig hänt! Intressant läsning How much is 1000 dB?
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
-
HomeBurneR
- Level 39
- Posts: 763
- Joined: 2003-03-12 20:58
- Location: Vivec, Foreign Quarters
- Contact:
Några av dem var faktiskt lite sjuka 
Tur att jag hittade två till
<span style='color:red'>Borttagen.</span>
###########################-
Hörde ni vad somalierna sa när dom fick makaroner?
- Ååh! Nya armbågsskydd!
Tur att jag hittade två till
<span style='color:red'>Borttagen.</span>
###########################-
Hörde ni vad somalierna sa när dom fick makaroner?
- Ååh! Nya armbågsskydd!
Det du inte minns, har aldrig hänt! Intressant läsning How much is 1000 dB?
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
ey Martin, du glömde at säga att det va när somalierna va till Sverige för att spela hocky och blev bjudna på makaroner.
3 olika:
#########
En bög hade varit på ett disco för att leta efter en partner men hitta ingen.
På vägen hem stötte han på ett fyllo som hade slocknat i gränden, bögen tänkte "vafan, spelar roll", och satte på fyllot.
När han kom hem så fick han en massa ångerskänslor och gick tebaka te fyllot och gav han 200:-.
När fyllot vakna och hittade pengarna så gick han te systemet och köpte en back pripps och fram till kvällen så hade han däckat igen varpå bögen kom förbi igen och gjorde samma procedur som gårdagen.
Och så höll de på ett antal dagar och dom anställda på systemet blev tillslut vana att fyllot köpte en back pripps, så nästa dag när fyllot kom igen så sa en av dom anställda.
-En back pripps förstår jag...
och fyllot svarade,
-nej de får bli en back spendrups idag,
jag får så jävla ont i röven av pripps!
#########-
Hur visste du att Eriksson var snickare? äh det sågspån.
#########-
hur dödar man tio flugor i en smäll?
-Man slår en spade i huvet på en somalie
#########-
3 olika:
#########
En bög hade varit på ett disco för att leta efter en partner men hitta ingen.
På vägen hem stötte han på ett fyllo som hade slocknat i gränden, bögen tänkte "vafan, spelar roll", och satte på fyllot.
När han kom hem så fick han en massa ångerskänslor och gick tebaka te fyllot och gav han 200:-.
När fyllot vakna och hittade pengarna så gick han te systemet och köpte en back pripps och fram till kvällen så hade han däckat igen varpå bögen kom förbi igen och gjorde samma procedur som gårdagen.
Och så höll de på ett antal dagar och dom anställda på systemet blev tillslut vana att fyllot köpte en back pripps, så nästa dag när fyllot kom igen så sa en av dom anställda.
-En back pripps förstår jag...
och fyllot svarade,
-nej de får bli en back spendrups idag,
jag får så jävla ont i röven av pripps!
#########-
Hur visste du att Eriksson var snickare? äh det sågspån.
#########-
hur dödar man tio flugor i en smäll?
-Man slår en spade i huvet på en somalie
#########-
If We Aren't supposed to eat Humans, Then Why Are They Made of Meat?
-
HomeBurneR
- Level 39
- Posts: 763
- Joined: 2003-03-12 20:58
- Location: Vivec, Foreign Quarters
- Contact:
Här kommer det en lååång historia, eller vad man nu ska kalla det
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC:
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER:
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY:
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.'
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out.
I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________________
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced from all the beer.
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC:
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds?
Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
_______________________________________________________
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER:
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage, Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.
I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
________________________________________________________
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY:
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
___________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI:
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears
to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it, I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Det du inte minns, har aldrig hänt! Intressant läsning How much is 1000 dB?
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
-
HomeBurneR
- Level 39
- Posts: 763
- Joined: 2003-03-12 20:58
- Location: Vivec, Foreign Quarters
- Contact:
En Roligt Fräck Historia
Ett flygplan är på väg till Gran Canaria. Piloten tar mikrofonen och berättar
för sina passagerare att flygningen mot Gran Canaria är påbörjad, vilken väg
dom skall ta och beräknad ankomst. När detta är gjort önskar han passagerarna
en trevlig flygresa men glömmer stänga av mikrofonen.
- Håkan, har du ställt in autopiloten på Gran Canaria?
- Ja, det är klart. Nu skall jag gå och skita, sedan skall jag sätta på Sonja
av bara fan. Hon är alltid så kåt och beredd på ett snabbknull i pentryt.
Alla passagerare hör detta och även övrig personal i kabinen. En flygvärdinna
kommer springande i gången men snubblar raklång och blir liggande på golvet.
En passagerare klappar henne på axeln och säger:
- Du behöver inte ha så bråttom, han skulle skita först...
Ett flygplan är på väg till Gran Canaria. Piloten tar mikrofonen och berättar
för sina passagerare att flygningen mot Gran Canaria är påbörjad, vilken väg
dom skall ta och beräknad ankomst. När detta är gjort önskar han passagerarna
en trevlig flygresa men glömmer stänga av mikrofonen.
- Håkan, har du ställt in autopiloten på Gran Canaria?
- Ja, det är klart. Nu skall jag gå och skita, sedan skall jag sätta på Sonja
av bara fan. Hon är alltid så kåt och beredd på ett snabbknull i pentryt.
Alla passagerare hör detta och även övrig personal i kabinen. En flygvärdinna
kommer springande i gången men snubblar raklång och blir liggande på golvet.
En passagerare klappar henne på axeln och säger:
- Du behöver inte ha så bråttom, han skulle skita först...
Det du inte minns, har aldrig hänt! Intressant läsning How much is 1000 dB?
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
En flicka kom skuttandes hem från skolan en dag."Mamma, mamma" tjoade hon "vi räknade i skolan idag, och alla de andra kunde bara räkna till 4, men jag räknade till 10 jag. Skall du höra? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" "Vad duktig du är", svarade mamman. "Det är för att jag är blond", sade flickan. "Ja, det är för att du är blond", svarade modern.Nästa dag kom flickan tjoandes hem från skolan. "Mamma, mamma, idag läste vi alfabetet och alla de andra barnen kunde bara säga till D, men jag kunde ända till G jag! Vill du höra? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Du är så duktig", sade modern leende. "Det är för att jag är blond", sade flickan. "Ja, det är för att du är blond", svarade modern moderligt.Dagen därpå kom flickan hoppandes hem från skolan."Mamma, mamma, när vi duschade efter jympan idag såg jag att alla flickorna hade små bröst, men jag har de här jag!" hojtade flickan, drog upp tröjan och visade ett par väl utvecklade 85C. "Du är så duktig min lilla vän", sade mamman. "Det är för att jag är blond", sade flickan. "Nej", sade mamman, "det är för att du är 24"
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HomeBurneR
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Det du inte minns, har aldrig hänt! Intressant läsning How much is 1000 dB?
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
WARNING: BE AWARE! Use of this amplifier at extreme high volumes for extended periods of time may cause hearing loss and or hearing damage. During periods of prolonged high volume levels it is recommended that you use ear safety devices. Playing Cadence amplifiers at high volume levels while driving will impair your ability to hear necessary traffic sounds. While driving always keep your sound volume at reasonable levels. We at Cadence want you listening for many years to come.
Fyra på rad:
Clyde died in a fire, his upper body was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.". So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.". The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said, "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" Said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"
======================================================================
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and fumed, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"
======================================================================
Actual Writings on Hospital Charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
======================================================================
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Clyde died in a fire, his upper body was burnt pretty badly and the morgue needed someone to identify the body. So his two best friends, Clem and Zeke were sent for. Clem went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. Clem said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over.". So the mortician rolled him over and Clem looked and said, "Nope, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Zeke to identify the body and Zeke took a look at him and said "Yup, he's burnt real bad, roll him over.". The mortician rolled him over and Zeke looked down and said, "No, it ain't Clyde."
The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"
Zeke said, "Well, Clyde had two assholes."
"What? He had two assholes?" Said the mortician.
"Yup, everyone in town knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say "Here comes Clyde with them two assholes!"
======================================================================
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in the tiny town of Johnstown got up early and went to the local church.
Before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking about their lives, their families, etc.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone was evacuated from the Church, except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew, not moving....seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
Now this confused Satan a bit, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
Satan asked, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
Satan was a little perturbed at this and fumed, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 48 years!"
======================================================================
Actual Writings on Hospital Charts
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9.The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive, but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert, but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale. but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities
======================================================================
Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.
After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.
The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"
The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."
Knowledge brings Fear